Cousin Zarak came to visit us this weekend. I had not seen him in ages, and the weekend went by too quickly. On his last night we decided to stay up so he could get to the airport on time. As the night progressed we shared many old stories and had fun remembering old times until he blurted out, “Gul, I am so glad you turned out such a sweet person, you used to be so awful.”
I demanded he explain himself.
He uncomfortably said’” I mean you were a bully. We would shudder when you came out to play.”
I asked him to explain what I had done that had been so terrible.
He very carefully said, “You may not remember this, but would terrorize us by yanking our hair, kicking, biting, pinching, and hitting.”
I laughed and admitted guilty “ I didn’t see it as terrorizing, I saw it as expression.
He looked at me disbelievingly and said “Explain!”
Well there is a certain satisfaction to gripping someone by the hair, it achieves two results, firstly you can lead them in any direction you wish and secondly they make very amusing sounds and faces. It is instant gratification.”
Zarak looked at me like I had sprung horns.
Me: I mean it, it is cause and effect right there, you bite and what do you get?
Zarak: A crying child?
Me : No, with very little input I achieved major output!
Zarak: You’ve got to be kidding me!
Me: No. Plain and simple, One little yank results in a reciprocally generous scream.
Zarak: You are crazy! I cant believe you were so devilish at that age.
Me: I beg to differ, it all started out really innocently in an accidental kind of way. Do you remember how you guys would all ignore me?
Zarak: Oh, come on, you practically drove me insane by chasing me around with that tea set of yours and forcing me to drink God knows what.
Me: It was only leaves from the rose bush beside the gate.
Zarak: I used to pee on that rose bush. You made me drink my own pee?
Me: No, I only made you drink water that the leaves had been soaked in, how could I have possibly known that you were peeing on the rose bush?
Zarak: Yuck! Now I feel like puking. But please do continue and keep enlightening me
Me: One day I was trying to get Aisha’s attention and she as usual refused to acknowledge me, and at some point I got distracted by the colorful rubber bands in her hair and I tried to pull them, she emitted a high pitch sound. It just thrilled me because I was not aware that she could produce that pitch. So I tried once again to see if it gave me the same result. I remember experimenting on everyone and oh what joy it was to get such excellent and consistent results.
Zarak: I don’t believe this, you actually knew what you were doing.
Me: Hang on it only gets better. A hair yank only produced a noise whereas giving someone a whack on the head produced amazing results, not only did I get the instant gratification of a scream but it also mobilized a good bit of adult activity. And a bite was success beyond my wildest dreams, because after they would pry my teeth away, I would get to stand in the corner of the kitchen
Zarak: What was so great about that kitchen? You know what, I am pretty confident I really don’t want to know what you did in that kitchen.
I smiled and said: Zarak Jani, some other time then.